


Teenage Dream

by TheOtherOdinson



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Family Drama, Gen, but not really, fun with the odin family, it's mostly crack, with odin and frigga's parenting mixed in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 02:59:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3879628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOtherOdinson/pseuds/TheOtherOdinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki's plan to invade Midgard is going perfectly - until his parents show up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Teenage Dream

**Author's Note:**

> This is crack. I cannot claim it to be anything else. I have no excuse for this crack. I have no one to blame but myself.

"I come with glad tidings, of a world made free."

"Free from what?"

"Freedom. Freedom is life's great lie. Once you accept that, in your heart..."

Before Fury could blink, Loki swooped in on Selvig.

"...you will know peace."

Fury opened his mouth to shoot off a reply when the room was suddenly filled with a another blast of light. Fury threw his arm up to protect his face, but it seemed over almost as soon as it started. The first thing he saw again clearly was Loki's face.

Loki looked dumbstruck.

The god that had been pontificating and slaughtering his way through the room only moments ago stood stock still, scepter hanging loosely at his side. He was staring right past Fury.

 _Oh shit, now what._ Fury turned to look.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting based on how his day was going so far - how worse could it get? - but it certainly wasn't this. A man and woman stood side by side in the middle of the base room. Fury could only blink at the combination of robes, armour, and head-gear the old man was wearing. Damn, that was a lot of gold. And that wasn't even including the scepter he was holding. Going on that, and the woman's equally lavish gown, Fury was guessing they weren't just a pair of lost tourists popping in from the next state over. Before he could speak, they beat him to the punch.

"Loki!"

"There you are!"

The woman rushed forward, brushing past Fury and nearly knocking him on his ass. She threw her arms around Loki. Who was suddenly strangely quiet for a guy who wouldn't shut up a minute ago.

"My baby - you're safe!"

"Young man, have you any idea how worried your mother has been?" The white-haired man moved no slower than the women as he crossed the floor to plant himself, and his big ass spear, in front of Loki. "We have been looking everywhere for you. Just where in the Nine have you been?"

"It's no business of yours," Loki muttered, sullen.

"No business of mine!" the old man yelled, his words boomed through the room. "Where you are and what you are doing is every business of mine! Look at how much you've upset your mother."

The woman - Loki's mother? - said nothing. She was too busy covering Loki's face with kisses.

"Sir," Barton edged closer to Loki. Fury cast his gaze about the room, reminded of just how few allies he had around him. "This place is about to blow. Drop a hundred feet of rock on us."

They all followed Barton's eyes to the energy gathering on the ceiling.

Selvig checked his computer. "He's right. The portal is collapsing in on itself. We've got maybe two minutes until this thing goes critical."

The old man barely glanced up. "Bah," he said and tapped his oversize version of Loki's scepter once on the floor. The energy build-up dissipated.

The woman stopped with the kissing. Instead of looking up at the ceiling, she was looking at Barton. "Oh, dear." She gave Loki a look filled with reproach. "Loki, that is not how we make friends."

Loki looked away.

"My Tesseract!" the old man said, spying the source of the energy. He reached over and plucked it out of its setup. "I'd forgotten where I left it."

Loki snapped back to attention. "I need that!" he shouted at the old man.

"Well, you can't have it!" the old man shouted back. "How many times have I told you not to play with objects of immeasurable power from before time?" The man put the Tesseract on the floor and stepped away from it. "Heimdall!" he yelled. There was another brilliant flash of light. The Tesseract disappeared.

Loki made a sound like a cat whose tail had just been stepped on. "I needed that! How am I supposed to conquer this world without it!"

"You're not conquering anything, young man! You're grounded!"

"You can't ground me! I'm over a thousand years old! And I intend to rule Midgard!"

"You're not going to be ruling anything from within your rooms, where you will be spending the next century!"

Fury was torn between watching the two men shouting at each other and the woman who had moved away from the shouting to examine the men Loki had touched with his scepter. He saw a golden glow surround her hand as she touched each one in turn.

Barton was the first to blink the brilliant blue out of his eyes. He looked at Fury. "Director, what's happening?"

Loki stomped his foot. "Mother! Stop it! You're ruining my minions!"

"Don't you raise your voice at your mother!"

"You're both embarrassing me in front of my future subjects!"

"There now," the woman said soothingly, returning to Loki's side. "All un-enchanted." She stroked her son's cheek. "Loki, we've talked about this. If you wish to make a new friend then you tell me their name. I'll have their background thoroughly examined and if they're deemed fit company for a prince, then I'll issue an invitation for them to visit you at the palace. Do you understand?"

Loki's shoulders slumped. "Yes, mother."

"Good." His mom pulled him down to kiss his cheek and then began running her hand through his hair. On the second pass her fingers got stuck. "Oh, Loki," she groaned. "What have you done to your hair." She freed her hand and began passing her fingers through his hair anew, this time with her fingers emitting a soft golden glow.

"I like my hair this way, Mother. It makes me look fierce and intimidating."

"More like a crazed Christmas tree," Barton muttered.

Loki turned on him. "What did you say?"

Barton gave him a blank look in return.

"Uh, excuse me," Fury interjected. "Who are you people?"

The old man seemed to finally take notice of Fury standing there.

"I am Odin," he informed Fury. "King of Asgard. This is my wife and queen, Frigga."

The queen in question nodded at him graciously, without letting up her ministrations on Loki's hair. With every pass of her hand, the gunked-to-hell-and-back spikey strands changed into soft, fluffy curls.

"Of course you are," Fury said dryly. "I assume he belongs to you?" Fury indicated Loki with a tilt of his chin.

"Yes, Loki is our son," Odin said.

"I am not your son. You are not my parents," Loki hissed, his shoulders hunching up.

Frigga gently cuffed him upside the head before framing his face with her hands. "I am your mother," she spoke softly, voice steady. "I have loved you every moment since I first laid my eyes upon you. I will continue to love you every moment for as long I draw breathe. And I intend to love you even from the halls of death."

Fury heard Selvig sniffle from somewhere behind him and rolled his eye.

Loki's face was a war of emotions. From the tears filling his eyes to the clenching of his jaw to the tight press of his mouth. When Frigga smiled at him, Loki relented and wrapped his arms around her. She was quick to hug him in turn.

"This is all very interesting," Fury said. "As much as I love a good family drama, I can't help but notice yours keeps resulting in massive property damage and human casualties. So if you wouldn't mind taking it off our planet, and maybe keeping your kids at home in the future, we'd really appreciate it."

At the mention of casualties the queen pulled away from Loki and looked around her, taking note of the broken bodies strewn all over the room. She gave Loki another look filled with disappointment.

"Loki, you know better than to be so rough with mortals. They're very fragile." Frigga moved away from her son and approached one of the bodies.

"But they attacked me first!" Loki defended himself.

"Liar," Barton coughed into his fist. 

"Don't you take that tone with your mother! You're in enough trouble."

"You can't tell me what to do," Loki shouted, shaking his scepter for emphasis.

"Oh no? Watch me! And where that did you get that Infinity Stone?" Odin yelled back.

Loki looked briefly confused as he looked at his scepter before pulling it closer to him. "It's mine!"

Odin tapped his spear again and Loki's scepter vanished from his hand only to reappear in Odin's.

Loki made an indignant squawk.

"Loki, remnants of the pre-universe are not toys! You know better! Heimdall!" Odin let go of Loki's scepter just as there was another flash of light.

Gone. Just like the Tesseract. Fury wondered how he was supposed to put this in his report.

"You're ruining my invasion!" Loki shrieked.

"There now, all better," Frigga was cheerful as she moved from one formally dead body to the next.

Raising the dead. All right then.

"Are they zombies?" Barton whispered quietly at Fury.

Apparently not quietly enough as Odin glanced sharply in their direction.

"Have care how you speak. I will not tolerate any who malign my queen wife."

"Um, she's bringing back the dead. It's a little weird," Barton explained.

Odin gave him a look like he was a dog that stood on its hind legs and began to talk. And so did Loki. Fury was struck by how much they suddenly looked alike.

"They are mortals who have only touched the veil of Death," Odin informed them. "As long the the veil has not been drawn back they may still be retrieved. It is a simple matter."

"Hela, dear, don't be so stubborn," Frigga chided...someone, as she knelt by the last body that was still dead. "You most certainly do not need any of these mortals. Not today anyway."

"Hela does what she wants, Mother!"

"Hela will be reasonable or I be forced to pay her a visit and speak to her about her behaviour."

The dead agent took a breath. And promptly freaked out.

"HOLY SHIT! FUCK! HOLY SHIT! FUCK!"

"Calm down, Agent Carson," Fury called out.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"

"Barton," Fury nodded his head in the direction of the agent.

"You want I should calm him down. Or put an arrow through him?"

Fury glared.

"Okay, but all bets are off the second he tries to take a bite out of me." Barton skirted around Loki and headed for his formally dead collaegues, now shuffling about the room looking a lot worse for wear. At least some were. The rest were standing slack-jawed, staring at Frigga in awe.

She smiled at them warmly before returning to her son's side, wrapping her hands around his arm and holding him close to her. "The servants are cleaning your rooms, getting them ready for your return. The cooks are preparing a wonderful feast as we speak. All your favorite foods."

Loki sighed. "I cannot feast. How many times must I tell you, I'm far too busy conquering Midgard."

"You are conquering nothing!" Odin snapped. "And there will be no feast for you. When we return, you're going straight to your rooms."

"Odin!" Frigga shot her husband a sharp look. "He must eat. Look how thin he's gotten."

"He can eat in his rooms."

"Alone? I won't have it. He will eat with his family so we may welcome him home properly."

"Very well," Odin relented.

"I do not want any feast!"

"Your mother has worked very hard instructing the servants to prepare this feast for you. You'll eat it and like it. And you'll have no dessert!"

"Odin!"

"No dessert!"

Frigga tilted her chin up in defiance. "Then there will be no dessert for you either, since you see fit to starve your son."

"Whoa, hardball." Fury turned to shoot a look at Barton who was escorting a quietly gibbering Agent Carson past him. Barton ignored him.

The king and queen glared at one another while Loki looked back and forth between them, wide-eyed.

"He may have dessert," Odin declared. "But then he is going to his rooms where he will think about what he has done."

Frigga nodded her agreement. She was all smiles as she spoke to her son. "Are you ready, dear? Heimdall is waiting."

Loki blinked. "Wait - I thought the Bifrost was broken?"

"Oh, it was," Frigga said.

"It took your mother and I almost an entire day to repair the damage your and your brother caused."

"That was Thor's fault!" Loki objected. "He's the one who broke it." Loki paused. "And he is not my brother!"

Frigga patted his arm soothingly. "After we've gotten you settled, we'll all sit down together, and discuss matters. Calmly," she added, directing a stern look at her husband.

Odin huffed, but said nothing as he moved to stand next to his wife and son.

"So that's it?" Fury asked. "He comes here, shoots up the place, announces his intention to conquer our planet, and you just take him home and send him to his room?"

Odin and Frigga blinked curiously at him.

"Ah," Odin nodded his understanding. "You are asking for recompense. Of course." He cast a look down at himself before turning to Frigga. "My love, did you remember to bring a purse?"

"Nay, husband. I was in such a rush leaving the palace, I forgot."

"Well, no matter. You have my word you will be compensated for your troubles this day," Odin told Fury.

"Thanks," Fury drawled.

"Heimdall!"

A flash of light and Norse folk were gone.

"Well," Selvig spoke up. "That was different."

Fury looked at him. Selvig shrugged in response.

"Director Fury," Coulson called out as he walked briskly into the base room. "All non-essential personnel have been evacuated. Agent Hill is standing by to evacuate the remainder of the staff as soon as you give the order."

Coulson looked around him, taking in the state of the guards, the blast marks on the walls, the ruined equipment.

There was another brilliant flash of light. A small stack of gold and a goat appeared in the room.

Coulson grimaced. "I missed something, didn't I?"

Fury sighed. "You have no idea."

  
  


THE END.


End file.
